what to do when your mom talks bad about you

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The relationship between a female parent and child can be a difficult one. As a parent, she is used to telling you what to wearable and consume and how to act, but equally you grow up the mother-child dynamic changes. You desire to be more independent, and this can oftentimes cause tension and arguments. While it is perfectly natural to feel aroused and upset sometimes, it is of import to know how to act on those feelings without hurting yourself or your mom.

1. i

   Filibuster your reaction to the state of affairs. Sometimes the worst matter you can practice is blurt out the offset thing that comes to mind when you lot're upset; information technology will most probable be ill-thought out or hurtful to both your mom and you lot in the long run. Instead, accept a minute (or as much time as you demand!) to empathise your anger. Try saying:

   • "Mom, I'yard feeling really frustrated and demand a piffling bit to recollect about all of this."
   • "I'1000 kind of upset right at present, but I'd similar to keep talking about this later on."

2. ii

   At-home yourself downwardly. When you are mad, information technology is very important to try to cool downwardly a fleck before confronting your mom. When you feel yourself getting actually angry, try one of these ways to calm down:

   • Calm yourself by repeating soothing things to yourself, such every bit "You are okay, just at-home down" or "Accept it easy, everything will be okay."
   • Go out the situation and go for a walk or a run. Exercising volition assist relieve some of the intensity of your acrimony, and the time abroad will give you time to call back.
   • Try slowly counting to ten before you speak (or a higher number if you need more than fourth dimension!).
   • Focus on slowing your animate. Have ho-hum, deep breaths through your nose, and then slowly breathe out your oral fissure. Repeat this until you feel your heart slowing and your anger subsiding.

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3. iii

   Place possible solutions before responding. One time the immediate, peppery anger has subsided a bit, determine the effect you desire (to get the car keys, to be allowed to go to the political party, more than allowance, etc.) and consider means to talk over this with your mom in a calm way.^[i] Keep in mind compromising goes a long fashion! For example, if your mom won't let you borrow the car, try maxim, "I sympathise that y'all don't want me to take the motorcar, simply what if I put $xx worth of gas in information technology before giving it back?" and see what she says.

   • Try to find a middle footing with her, and be prepared to brand a sacrifice to attain a compromise.
   • Endeavor offering to do extra chores around the house, like doing the dishes or cleaning your room.
   • Show your mom yous are actually trying by doing things without existence asked, similar helping ready the table for dinner or practicing your instrument. This will assistance your mum calm downwards if y'all had an argument too.

4. 4

   Make your comments as calmly and every bit respectfully as possible. When talking with your mom (or anyone for that matter), it is okay to disagree with someone as long as you avoid being disrespectful or aggressive. In lodge to have a constructive conversation, exist certain to:

   • Use "I" statements to discuss your feelings and thoughts from your perspective, which is less argumentative and can assist steer the conversation with your mom in a positive direction.^[ii] For example, try saying "I feel a lot of pressure level to do all of these chores when I still have so much homework left" instead of, "You make me practice so much housework that I have no time for myself!"
   • Avert putting down her behavior or ideas. You lot don't accept to hold on everything, merely saying things like "That's a stupid thought!" is counterproductive.
   • Focus on the present, and don't dredge up all past grievances. It will confuse your point of view and apace escalate the conversation into an argument.
   • Be respectful and avoid sarcasm at all costs; it is the fastest way to derail a positive conversation.^[3] Instead of responding, "Yeah, I'll get right on that Mom" try proverb, "I know you want me to do that right at present, but would it be all correct if I did that after I finish this consignment?"
   • Don't play your parents off of ane another. This will only crusade the situation to escalate, and even more than feelings could get hurt.

5. five

   Hear what your mom has to say. Fifty-fifty though it'south hard to believe that your mom could be correct, it is still of import to hear her indicate of view.^[4] She could have reasons that you haven't considered! Regardless, you should respect her by hearing her out, just as you desire her to respect you and hear your side.

   • Effort restating and summarizing after you hear her side.^[5] For case, y'all could say something like, "Mom, let me see if I understand yous correctly. It sounds like you're saying I tin can't have the motorcar on weeknights because of schoolhouse, merely you are okay with me using information technology on Saturday nighttime if I put gas in information technology. Is that right?"
   • This has two benefits: it shows you lot were listening to your mom, and it allows her to clarify anything that may have been misunderstood.

6. 6

   Know that y'all might non "win" the statement. You might not get your mode this time, just that doesn't mean that you lot haven't successfully dealt with being mad at your mom. Ultimately, she is the say-so figure, and you must mind what she says. But know that your calm, rational word with her volition make her respect you more, which will undoubtedly benefit you in future disagreements.

7. 7

   Move on afterwards you have both shared your opinions. Later on you and your mom take had a chance to say your peace and you have expressed your opinions effectively and appropriately, you lot must move on in one of the following means:

   • If yous are unable to come to an understanding, then agree to disagree. Because you need ii people to contend, if you lot meet that the conversation between you lot and your mom isn't going anywhere, undo from the argument and movement on. Try proverb, "Mom, I feel like we are talking in circles now, and I think we should table this conversation for the fourth dimension being."
   • If you practice come to an agreement, acknowledge the accomplishment! Be sure to apologize if you lot need to, and be apprehensive when maxim "I forgive you" to any apologies from your female parent, but after that a simple, "I really liked how we handled that. Thank you, Mom" volition go really far moving forward.^[6]

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1. one

   Recognize that feeling aroused is not bad. Anger is a normal emotion and a common reaction to things that upset us. It is of import to realize that expressing acrimony tin be a adept thing, and that avoiding anger entirely tin actually lead to larger, more harmful blowups with your mom afterwards.^[7]

2. two

   Explore the underlying feelings causing your anger. Being mad at your mother is ofttimes a way to cover up your real feelings or a way to express that you lot accept needs that aren't beingness met.^[8] Every bit you feel anger growing inside of you lot, take a minute and ask yourself, "What is this feeling really about?" Some common underlying feelings are:

   • Vulnerability
   • Embarrassment
   • Fear
   • Insecurity

3. iii

   Consider the things that trigger your temper. When dealing with your mom, it is important to know what triggers you to experience mad so that you can not only avoid these situations with her, but also and so that you lot are prepared to deal with existence angry in a healthy mode if the situation is unavoidable.^[9] Some common triggers include:

   • Invasion of infinite or privacy
   • Discussing grades or schoolhouse responsibilities
   • Privileges being revoked
   • Asking most relationships with friends or significant others
   • Arguments over chores

4. 4

   Identify whether your acrimony is chronic or situational. If y'all tend to get mad at your mom due to certain words or circumstances, your anger is most probable situational; try fugitive these types of situations and talk to her about how certain words trigger you. However, if your acrimony is extreme in nature and occurs often or with minimal provocation, your anger might be chronic; consider reaching out to an outside party, like a therapist, for help with these more complex feelings.

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1. 1

   Build security in your relationship with your mom. The more than often you address issues as they come with your mom in a articulate, level-headed mode, the more probable she is to recognize that yous are growing up, and thus she can trust you and your decisions and opinions more.^[10] Set basis rules and build trust and security with your mom, and you will be mad at her (and vice versa!) much less moving frontward.

2. 2

   Observe salubrious outlets for your anger. In addition to healthy discussions with your mom as situations arise, it is also important to prevent anger from building up inside of yous. Some common outlets include:^[11]

   • Listening to music
   • Exercising
   • Writing down your feelings and thoughts
   • Deep breathing
   • Talking with a trustworthy friend

3. 3

   Own your feelings and behaviors. It is easy to feel like your mom doesn't understand you or to blame her and others for all of your problems, only these are very counterproductive reactions. Rather than asking why this is happening to you lot, take responsibility for your own feelings and your own part in a situation. If you lot don't, you will continue to make the same decisions and take the same fights with your mom.

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• Question

  How tin can I control my anger toward my mom?

  

  Jin Kim is a Licensed Union and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

  

  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

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• Expressing your anger should never be violent. If yous or your Mom experience violent reactions, please call (800) 799-SAFE (7233) for anonymous, confidential assistance.

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Article Summary X

While dealing with your mom when you're mad can be difficult, try talking to her in a way that won't be hurtful or harmful to your relationship. Instead of confronting her right away, which can brand yous say things you'll regret, have some time to calm down by maxim something like "I'm upset right at present, but I want to talk more than virtually this later." Then, endeavour to calm yourself down by going for a walk, slowly counting to 10, or taking a few deep breaths. In one case you're calm and your anger has subsided, call back well-nigh possible solutions to the problem that will brand y'all and your mom happy. For example, y'all might compromise past proverb "I empathise that you don't desire me to utilise the auto on school nights, only how would you feel if I used information technology on the weekends if I put gas in it when I was done?" To learn how to respectfully listen to your mom's point of view, keep reading!

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